My job makes me cry.
I am present for some awful moments in people’s lives. The other day I referred to my place of employment as a “house of horrors”, I see the worst of the worst. I witness people die. I join families as they are being told that their loved one is not going to make it, or hasn’t made it. I join families as they make the decision to stop fighting and offer a prayer right before care is removed. I meet with mothers who have lost their unborn children.
I join families as they come to the hospital, unsure of what they’re about to hear; only knowing that there was an accident. I’m often the one calling them to let them know their loved one was taken to the hospital. I check back on the people who are using their physical bodies to save the lives of people. I watch them sneak away to wipe tears out of their eyes. I get to remind them they do amazing work and gave “that person” the best chance possible.
I hope you agree that people should cry in those situations.
Sometimes when I cry, I think to myself, you need to hold yourself together. Its your job to be the calm one. Its your job NOT to cry, you’re the one who’s there to provide comfort. When I think that, I remind myself that this story is a lie. Its ok to cry, even when you’re the one who’s there to be the calm one, even when you’re the one who’s there to provide comfort.
I don’t think crying is a problem. I don’t think its a sign of weakness. I think crying is the thing you do when you feel strong feelings of sadness. It means you’re feeling something, it means you're not dead inside. It means you’re alive and connected to the situation in the room, at that moment. What has happened has moved you and you cry.
One thing I notice in myself is that I often disconnect from what is happening in the world. I’m aware of what’s going on, just I remove myself emotionally from them. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, its a coping mechanism that protects us from all the bad news that we are constantly bombarded with. This is not being calloused or cold hearted. Knowing the difference between “all the bad things in the world” and “bad things that have meaning for you” is a sign of emotional health.
Its ok to cry when you’re moved to tears. You don’t need to be in the midst of the horrors of a trauma center to cry. You only need to be present, awake, aware.
Crying means you’re present in the world.
… that you’re awake.
… that you’re here.